When I asked him about it, he says, Hes sure that Ellen will most likely give it back to me and my brother when she dies. Im highly doubtful about that. #pov after my mom died my dad wants to move to the city. Whatever it may be, it will do nothing but hold you back from opportunities and moving forward in life. She will not go to hospitals with him as she doesnt like waiting around.My father says he is grateful to us but cannot comprehend the irritation and annoyance his behaviour causes. I was quite angry when I heard about this and we never again spoke of it. And I will make sure that we maintain a relationship with my Father-in-law. The day she passed, my dad, my uncle, my husband (then boyfriend), and I were there next to her as she took her last breaths. I actually kind of felt sorry for her. Your letter reminded me of something On my final fitting for my wedding dress she said Youre not getting married in that dress are you with those spots on your back? How kind to give my confidence such a boost! You may both begin to I know that not all the persons that come into your families are there for a good reason. She is my age and we both really enjoyed talking and spending time together that week. Don't like this guy and suddenly at different. They had things they shared every single day of their lives for longer than you've even been alive. I dont think that he was very tactful when he delivered the news of our engagement to them and I dont think they expected that he was going to propose after 2 1/2 years, but why not? But what he doesnt get is that I dont want to talk to him in front of her. Everyone has pain & heartaches in their lives Im sure they have it too. She unplugged her phone because my calling once a day while my father was sick was stressing her out. It has made my grandmas home a horrible memory now and I really dont know what to do cuz this just isnt right, thanks any suggestions appreciated. My mom was dads age, a size 14, short, and conservative looking with a mom-type haircut. So many of you have stories that resound with what is going on in my life right now. It was so hard to get him out of the house in general :(. Of course we cant talk there because his work phone is always ringing or someone is coming in his office and he has no problem quickly dismissing me. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment. For me, its not about replacing his wife or her presence in the family. My parents were in a small plane crash 5 years ago, and mom died from her burns. It feels like he is abandoning us! How I struggle each and every day just to make it to bedtime and then get up and do it all over again, all while trying to be a good wife and mother. We knew he was spending time with a woman a month after Moms passing, but managed to come to terms with that somehow. You are behaving with more emotional maturity than he is showing. Please take the focus off of yourself and try. My stepmother is the only woman he dated after my mom died. When Ellen and my Dad got married I will never forget one of her friends being at the house at the wedding reception and walking up to me and saying So you are Ellens new daughter? I thought I would nearly fall over! Ive flat out told my dad about my feelings but he doesnt care he says he can date who he wants. We had a good relationship with each other. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I might be the asshole because I left and didnt want to pay what she was losing in state support, and now theyre struggling. my daughter passed away several years ago it has not been two years yet. PERFECT example of entitlement in this societyME ME ME, and Im not talkin about me. I am also so happy to have found this conversation. Dating after diagnosis and told me wash and telling everyone; contacting the zest for some things she's. They were married 34 years good relationship. My first thought was WTF but once a selfish person always a selfish person. I just pray so much that the lady he is dating is the woman she says she is and that she and I can find a way to bond over common interests. There is a train and buses and a taxi driver who lives 2 doors down from my father. It seems to me that the almost universal theme of these comments are how hard it is when other people make choices we dont have control over. Unfortunately my dad (47M) died in result of the pandemic in the end of 2020. click to read more On him. We suffered with them too as well as all the family members. Two days later she arrived with baked goods for my dad. Wow Andrea. A big man he was 64 and he was like a big teddy bear. Ive told him everything Ive included i this post and more, and none of it has ever gotten through to him. I strongly feel that like a teenager who gets his heart broken for the first time, he is clinging to someone TOO QUICKLY. With all of the holidays, her family comes first and my brother and I and my kids and husband play second fiddle. Im the girlfriendhe has 5 adult kidsALL in their 40s1 is a daughter thats spoiled and MEAN, daddy pays for everything_> her bills >she dont even has to work! This made my life about 1000x worse to make a long story short, the storm passed and my dad and Is relationship had gotten better over the two and a half years since my mommas passing, and thats what she wouldve wanted. Following the loss of a family member, the family should come together and support each other. Sharing time together helps us during our grieving period. my parents were married for 42 years. My stomach was sick the whole hour I was there and when I left I cried for a long time. but Im defensive and worried.. Maybe she is the one but like many of you, she doesnt seem to be trying to have a relationship with me..We go out to dinner together with my husband, daughter, Dad and dads girlfriend, and its like crickets. They only spend week-ends together and during the week they are at their respective homes but she is now entitled to his pension. The year my dad was alone was the saddest Ive ever known- my sister and I took turns visiting him every weekend with our children, and called him every day. We both had spouses that die under the terrible cancer disease. Consider whether this is a kind and good person or whether you are grabbing a passing life raft. I was close to both of my parents. Sure, I want him to be happy, but does he really have to be so doggone thrilled and gleeful about it? His response about this has been so offensive that is has resulted in some family members wanting to not have any further contact with him. I hope that when the end comes I can finally move on. Now shes struggling financially & its my fault. We dont have to be happy about this situation, and I dont have to have them over for dinner every week, but my Father-in-law can still be in our lives and I can be civil to this woman. But I feel myself being divided from my dad and a slap in the face to my Mom if there is something going on. So that is the short version of my story. Because she is human. If you do not take care of yourself, then you cannot help others. My sisters and I will be there to support him and love him through it. Im not sure if it was curiosity or what but we agreed to meet them for dinner and a movie. We dont get together on Easter. The gaping hole in your life you feel for your Mom will not be healing when you are in this horrible situation. I feel so much better after reading these posts. Well, Im just a terrible person. she said (playing the victim to my dad). Its like Im an afterthought. It eats away at me every single day. Forcing a new person on a family who are still going through that process with scant regard for their emotional state is not a thing that should be embarked on lightly. She be-friended me & acted like we were the best of friends. It would have been nice to have really gotten closer to Dad but that is simply not to be, It takes two people to want a relationship to work. When I left my first wife and moved in with my (then) girlfriend to whom Im now married, my eldest son who was about 23 at the time, called me up I didnt feel resentment anymore, and it helped that the lady hes seeing is a lovely classy lady who I am quite fond of, and this doesnt feel like an intrusion into my family, the way it used to. The #selfcare hashtag brings up over 11 million posts on, Have you ever said to yourself, I just want this moment to last forever? You can turn this sentiment into a, How do you feel now that your parent has been transitioned to a long-term care/nursing home? However, the engagement and upcoming wedding (December 1st!!) But turns out that my father wasnt receiving any of my text messages. She's had this stability for three decades, she's forgotten who she even was without him. I rubbed my eyes and quickly jumped out of bed, faster than I've ever done anything in my life. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. You say you cannot know how you will feel in the future and so you cannot predict how you will feel so when people say things like I will never accept it they should not forecast their future emotions. 755 Likes, 6 Comments - Shy Wolf Sanctuary (@shywolf_sanctuary) on Instagram: Raven was in need of rescue after her mom died and dad gave away all animals so that he could move I was appalled and shocked when he told me. It actually appears he has chosen this woman over his own family, and his own action have proven that. Thats why i was so surprised and relieved to find people to talk to that can actually relate. Here are 100 things that happened after my mom died. Her death, while so very difficult to deal with of course, was not a surprise for any of us. Before after a great degree of her death is required, ray magno. It wasnt until years later that Sally revealed to me that I had focused so much on distracting her with impromptu dance parties, that I hadnt actually been there for her in the way that she truly needed. Ahh, this hurts It feels moms memory is being tarnished and I want to make things right. I lost my mother and need my father. he took her to eat at my daughters favorite restaurant, not a month after my daughter died. But he just gave this woman a $2000 diamond ring and took her to see his sister (who just lost her husband about 6 weeks ago to a heart attack.). I am a 41 yr old widower, father of three kids, daughter 8 and twin 6 yr. old boys, who lost his wife of 11 years, the last five she was sick and dying of colon cancer. So very sad. I would hate for one of Ellens sons to get them and sell them. Once my sister and I got married and moved out, she continued cooking for my dad and her and wed pick up the extra sauce and meatballs to have during the week. Ugh. He tells me not to bring my mom up in front of her. Dads drinking and acting like a nut with this woman. Unfortunately, dads answer to all this was telling me not to come by because girlfriend will be there and I know you two dont get along. Please do not throw daggers, but I was the girlfriend of a widower whose wife died 3 years ago of cancer. I cannot fathom what causes grown adults to behave like children in a sweet shop when they lose their spouse. My mom will not let us help her with anything, but rather wants to call all the (male) friends my dad had to help her. I wish people could see that jumping feet first into a relationship at an emotionally vulnerable time even if they think they are ready for it can have devastating consequences not only for the rest of the family but ultimately for themselves. Dear carolyn: for novel coronavirus and that you need to crack the death. We were very knowledgable about each others lives. then she calls him, bawling her eyes out, wanting him back. They moved into my Dads house after the wedding. I feel like the enemy. Try not to show anger toward your dad but approach him with kindness. He now expects me, his daughter to participate in holidays there. She took some wrinkle cream back to the shop when she was about 85 to complain it had not worked. I feel he has been deceptive with my mother and with me. My dad died of cancer lung and colon November 2008. Caring for another can look like doing different jobs to help a family member cope on a daily basis with the many things that need to be done in a day. We told him that our grieving process is not done and we are not there yethe does not care. That this woman was cleaning personal stuff of my moms in her house made me so angry. Ive heard there is evil in the world, this is the first person Ive ever met that falls into this category. I want to get her out of the house, but she isn't wanting to go anywhere lately. I dont know if this situation will ever be reparable. Adapted from a recent online discussion . After losing my mom and seeing my dads insecurities surface so quickly, I have begun to look more at him as I would a child. . It has been 3 months since my mother passed away in a car accident. My moms remains were in a box we got from the furneral home and he wasnt even thing of buying her a proper urn. And you did say this: Also, it's hard for me to really be 100% supportive for her when I am going through tons of grief as well. It is easy to forget to appreciate the loved ones we see and speak to every day, but one day, they will no longer be there, and youll yearn for just one more opportunity to hug them and tell them you love them. How to sew my own clothes? Blessings. He has made it perfectly clear (he has has actually told us) that if he has to choose between her and us, he will choose her every time and if we cannot include her in everything that we do, then he will not be in our lives. He was married to my mom for 52 years. So, your parent is moving on and has found a new love. I agree that we just feel the way we feel. Im grown, so his actions should be of no concern to me! I think at some point, my ears and brain stopped listening and corresponding after he dropped this bombshell. You could try writing a letter from yourself and your sister because he would have to read it and not interupt or threaten. Im so pleased I found this site as I thought I was alone in what Im feeling! She is very social and loved the friendships she made there and the daily opportunity to connect with others and the group activities offered. I realize that you cant always make everyone happy and eventually you have to be in charge of your own happiness, but it is important to talk with those close to you and try to understand what they are feeling and also the reverse, have the children try and understand what the spouse is feeling. I think he expects both the families to just blend together like the Brady bunch and I dont think thats ever going to happen. But he doesnt get to make an end run around you. Nor do I fault him for moving on and pursuing his own happiness. The getting into my dads house and rearranging personal stuff that is the thing that was worse than the fact that she existed. People will die; people will leave, and sometimes, they just decide they no longer want to be in your life anymore. Does he not realize how incredibly hurtful this is to me? I cant help but wonder what happens in the afterlife when a person has been married multiple times? Anyway we finally got one and my Dad ordered the doctor and nurse to do it now, and not wait for my Brother. I expect that whether or not my daughter is 8 or 10 or 15 or even 25, she would never be supportive of me dating, let alone falling in love and she clearly is not happy and has begu acting out a bit. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. My dad does not spend Christmas or Christmas Eve with his family. They had no children; it was for her relations. In most of these cases the person inflicting the additional trauma is the parent who is flushed with joy at having found someone new and is not open to the fact that his emptiness has been filled while his family is still grieving.It seems they cannot wait to force the person on their family and present ultimatums for non-compliance. You can tell mom this: I moved out because you were demanding that I pay 1000 a month for three people to share one room. Can so one please explain this to me. I tried to talk to Dad about how upsetting it was and he accused me of wanting him to be alone forever. I took an overdose. So now its November.. my dads house is in the process of being fully remodeled. I'm really really close with my dad, so I can't imagine how you're doing right now. My brother was okay with it, my sister was as well(but now she is not) Do you get what I am trying to say? After 3 weeks went away to his winter home for a long weekend. It was because of the cancer that was growing all over her body. Anyway, I know my Dad has been making an effort to be social, as everyone recommends after a death. My sister feels the relationship started way before we found out about it. We all brought pizzas over and his girlfriend brought cookies & fudge, etc. Its an insult to me and my dad doesnt even care. We are all somewhat scarred from all weve been through. Whether at the giving end of things or the receiving endwe want to hear from you. After reading all your posts, Id rather never meet her! But i'm sorry about him dating is it doesn't mean that void. Good luck. So, to say I was blown away by my dads behavior two weeks after my moms funeral, is mild. Within the year, my Dad was dating and in a serious relationship. It is almost like two deaths in one. A good woman would honor her husbands relationships with his family to ensure his happiness. Within a few weeks after losing my Mom, my father started talking with women online for friendship and companionship. Its like all of you say the wounds are re-opened He is so blissfully happy. I feel that his relationship is a violation of my mothers memory because he is better to this woman than he ever was my mother. My experience with this is quite similar. She is a horrible stupid butt who my dad even called psycho the other day yet continues to torment me with putting her shit all around my mothers moms house who of course both are dead. People grieve in different ways, but we all experience the pain, the hurt, the sad images that will haunt us probably for the rest of our lives, (it will get better ) the isolation, the depression, guilt, loss of direction, the anger, and the acceptance of what happened and the hope that things will be better in the future. Your money and time go to your new family. He & Moms best friend were married 6 months after Mom died. My mother was ill for quite sometime before she died, which I know was a burden upon my father. If you pretend to accept you will be able to maintain the relationship for longer but is it really a relationship when there is no honesty? After suffering a lost you should know that life is too short and it can change in any given moment. You are responsible to your family: you, spouse and child. Oh and because when i came to visit them on their vacation i was really there to cheat on my husband she claimes. I was totally wrongthat was temporary. Not only that, he was telling me all the details? Apparently, she has family (or was originally from) Florida, and he mentioned going to visit her family at some point. What I would do is to call your dad and tell him you would like to sit down and talk to him alone. Remember him WITH her - try very hard to remember little things. Your children are there but they are not there. If you're fortunate enough to have a supportive network, many will say "I am here for you. The key, unsaid part of that sentence is "for whatever you need." I was nervous, she hadnt made any effort to get to know me. Grief is a lonely road, and when we can help someone feel a little less lonely, were helping them I finally started having dinner myself on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and having them and my brother over. Some of you expressed concern about the relationships being too soon, and I agree with some of you, but specially men that depended completely n their wives, have been married for a long time, dont want to be alone. Nice. She doesnt like to be taken care of, but loves to take care of her family. I am glad that I came across this website, looking for guidance that could help my future husband (next year) and my own relationship with his adult children after his mother passed away 3 years ago. I am sure you are even doubting your parents relationship. he expects everything to according to his place with her living and becoming our mother.